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Prelim Creative writing =p (1 Viewer)

AimingHigh93

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this is my creative writing all opinions welcome and suggestions too


WeWe are all gathered here today to commend, award and celebrate our graduates. I would like to congratulate class of 08 for completing 12 years of learning and finally reaching home base. Please step forward class of 08 and receive your awards for academic excellence and completion of the course. TJ Miller please step forward “ my stomach was in my throat I turn and look into the audience and see my mother’s gleaming face as I walk up the stairs to receive my award”. Congratulations TJ Miller, I’m honoured to present you with not only with a certificate of graduation but also for overall academic achievement and DUC of 08, you have also been awarded a scholarship to the prestigious university, Yale.” Thankyou I would like to thank my parents teachers which helped me achieve my potential and also my many friends which pointed a flashlight and guided me through the dark times, thank you.
Tj, Tj, snap out of it man are you alright, yea its nothing. We can’t have you sleeping on us can after all its almost time. The engine rumbles, as we began to move it let out a ferocious roar as we sped off to the meeting location. The night streets were barren, the engines roar and music left a trail of echoes behind. We arrive at an eerie alley way, as we set in I wind down the window in need of a cool breath of air instead i was slapped in the face with a disgusting murky smell of dead animals and decaying garbage, I quickly wind the window up being reintroduced to the second hand smoke, I wondered which was worse this or the garbage.
They finally arrive we quickly suit up in black overalls “zip” we were all set, the trunk is opened and came out numerous guns, baseball bats and a range of knives, this dizzying site brought up the question are they going to murder someone? And what really was there aim? They begin walking, we walked for several minutes until we came to a stop in front of city bank, was this it? Are we going to rob a bank? My palms began to sweat, my stomach was in my throat I was unable to breathe it was like my conscience was a vice grip which tightly wrapped around my neck suffocating me. I was left with two option cut the blue or red wire, one will diffuse the other will explode, do I disregard our friendship and leave or stay and be true.
A truck was heard in the distance we quickly took cover, as the truck neared we quickly devised an elaborate plan the screeching brakes brought it to a halt. Four large men stomped out of the vehicle all armed with hand guns. They quickly got into position two of them were on look out, their head held high like meerkats, on high alert analysing their surroundings the other two moved towards the rear of the truck.
The signal, there it was we quickly slipped on baklavas and slowly moved through the shadows of the night. We positioned ourselves waiting, waiting, the second signal was given we engaged, surprising our prey we force them to the floor. I peered into the truck... my jaw dropped my heart sank as I discovered black beards lost treasure. The truck was aligned with large amounts of sports bags all filled with large sums of money. A screeching noise was heard from around the corner, it was a truck which headed towards us, braking in front of the load I degradingly helped unload and reload the bags from on truck to another. The endless heaving came to an exciting end where the last bag was loaded, the doors were slammed shut and the truck took off dissolving into the darkness.
We were all set, a successful robbery no casualties and a small fortune all that was needed was a clean getaway. The getaway car neared, we slowly withdrew from the guards which were still laying faces down in the murky asphalt. I turn my back to the guards as the car pulled up beside us until! ... “POP!!” the distinct noise of a gun being fired and the “whoosh” as it sliced through the air.
“POP” “POP” “POP”, the repetition of gunfire sent an electrifying shock down my spine I turn my head and witness the car speeding off leaving nothing but burnt rubber and asphalt behind. I stood in the rain petrified, unable to comprehend what had just occurred. I gaze into the moon lit puddle I noticed a guard aiming his fired gun in my direction. “Thud” “Thud” my attention was drawn to the searing pain of two bullets penetrating my warm flesh. An anvil strapped around my body I plummet towards the floor, a relentlessly struggle to find my feet ended as if gravity had increase 10 fold. I lay on the asphalt facing the moonlit sky I stop and listen there was still a distinct heartbeat. The congealed blood gushed out of the wounds consistently with my heart beat as if every beat which symbolises life is now closing in on my death. I lay in a pool of my own blood, overwhelming regret enveloped inside me, why didn’t i speak up? Why did i give in to pressure, allowing them to drag me along like a dead corpse? The burnt rubber filled my nasals with betrayal, I was left for dead. My eyes blurred, lungs filled with blood, which gurgled with every gasp. “Siren rings” the ambulance is here, does this mean ill make it or had my will to live evaded me. I guess this is it. I really didn’t reach home base after all, I’m sorry mum.
 
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duckcowhybrid

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Re: Creative writing =p

Learn to paragraph, learn grammar, learn to keep to a certain tense, learn to spell it's Dux not Duc and learn to have a slightly more creative story. Also too much action, very little character development, I felt no sympathy for the person. You don't need that much action, you need to engage the audience with your characters and connect with them so that you get a better reaction. Show, don't tell your audience. I wrote a Major Work for English a while ago that was a guy walking into his room sitting down and playing computer games. I spent 1000+ words on that, and got 20/20. It was all through the connections.
 

xV1P3R

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Jan 1, 2007
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Re: Creative writing =p

You could add a few commas here and some spelling errors, but you created a good atmosphere with the bit after the graduation. Maybe it's just me but perhaps you could make more of a connection between the 2 bits of the story. Otherwise a good effort!
 

Dragonmaster262

Unorthodox top student
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Planet Earth
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Re: Creative writing =p

Learn to paragraph, learn grammar, learn to keep to a certain tense, learn to spell it's Dux not Duc and learn to have a slightly more creative story. Also too much action, very little character development, I felt no sympathy for the person. You don't need that much action, you need to engage the audience with your characters and connect with them so that you get a better reaction. Show, don't tell your audience. I wrote a Major Work for English a while ago that was a guy walking into his room sitting down and playing computer games. I spent 1000+ words on that, and got 20/20. It was all through the connections.
Would you mind uploading that story? I want to see how you can make something like that into a fabulous story.
 

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