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BOS Showcase: 2004 Major Works (1 Viewer)

gemita

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thankx for the feedback crazyhomo! I have to admit, I'm kinda surprised that it was the tone rather than the postmodern reflection that you didn't like...I was so worried about whether the reflection would interrupt the flow of the story too much that I guess I didn't really give enough thought to the more traditional bit...it seemed so much safer that I musn't have paid enough attention to it. Anyways, I guess it's not a very accessible style in the first place, prolly should have justified that more in my RS. It's so good to hear actual specific criticism, tho...in fact, that deserves a rep!
 

Monkey Butler

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goldendawn said:
Hey, Monkey Butler. Thanks for reading it and your reply.

Yeah, some people have made the "verbose" comment - I tried to make the work as poetically balanced as possible - (I'm a sucker for imagery). But it was also supposed to underpin the concept - my research into early texts, such as ancient persian, and into narrative verse styles were meant, as I said in my reflec statement, to capture a sense of "idiom". (I made sure to avoid tautology though - ever read ancient Persian texts - "I am xerxes, king of kings, king of lands, an aryan, of aryan seed" - majorly redundant hehe).

In reference to the Meso-American names, I suppose I have been working with them for so long, than any sense of awkwardness has long since abated - I wanted to use them dually symbolically and tonally - the evocation of natural imagery, and earlier totemistic association suggesting primal life. The extracts were meant to adress fundamental issues of resonance in philosophy, religion and science.

Its strange, cause I have gotten mixed reviews. Some have loved it (like the librarian at school, after the head of english gave it to her to read cause she was a spec fiction fan, lol), and others have made similar comments to you - that it didn't engage them, etc. It makes me wonder how the makers are gonna take it. Surely they mark it in the context of its conceptual and artistic resolution? If that's true, then I should be ok, I suppose. Ah, only Time will tell. :)
I actually kinda got this impression when I was reading your work - it didn't really engage me, and I didn't really "get" it, but I was kinda sure that it was just me. Like, I knew that you'd put a lot of work into it, and that there was something deeper running underneath the work, but it just wasn't for me. I probably should have read the RS, but they're always so crap (not a criticism, it's true for everyone) :D
 

gemita

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Bloodletting: I loved this one at the beginning. I thought you created a really successful, quirky style which really conveyed the childhood mindset of your protagonist (I know how hard this is, I tried to do it in my MW too, gaaah!) I was completely absorbed into the style and atmosphere immediately, and your characterisation was colourful enough to be captivating, but realistic enough not to insult your audience's intelligence. Some of the scenes - especially the poker beating - were fantastic. The violence actually had a physical effect on me. You know you're reading good writing when you find yourself tensing up and holding your breath! I noticed a few typos/indescrepancies in this bit but not too many to be irritating. I was kind of disappointed with the second part, where Abigail is older. I'm not sure if I'm reading this correctly, but did you try and set this one in the 1920s or 30s? Or the 50s? Or was it not set in a particular historical period? I just got that feeling. You created a great style here, but I thought the section with the Boy was a little cliched (obviously it was meant to be, since you talk about cliches yourself, but I found it a bit much). It might have worked better of you took a little longer to get into this bit? And I was also disappointed by the ending, I didn't feel that you had prepared the reader for your story to end, so it felt quite abrupt and unfinished. You had an extra 1500 words left, so I think maybe using them would have given the story a bit more closure, or at least not left it feeling like you finished the last bit in a rush.
But overall, I loved it! Congratulations, you've got a beautiful sense of detail and finery in your tone and a whopper of a MW!
 

gemita

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Pieces of Me: I wouldn't exactly say that I liked this one, but I can't deny that it was very easy to read, and that your RS justified pretty much everything I had doubts about. You made it really clear what your intentions were and it was obvious that a lot of thought and research went into your work. I was pretty confused at the start of this piece, but I got the impression that this was your intention, and I don't really know how you could have made such a complicated character set-up more clear in the first few pages. It became easier to understand pretty early on, but I also liked that you made it sufficiently ambiguous to keep the reader reconsidering as you read. Actually, the more I think about it, the more impressed I am with what you managed to acheive. However, some things really put me off: I think you overused exclamation marks and your characters' names were quite awful (but that's just a personal preference, nothing to do with the quality of your writing). I agree with what someone in this forum said about it being dangerous to have your protagonist as an HSC student, because it puts your MW at risk of becoming cliched and trite, and using superficial analysis. Your work did sometimes do this, but for the most part I think you avoided a caricature of the typical teenager and gave your characters a little more respect. I'm finding it really hard to separate my own tastes from my judgement of your actaul work...I don't like your characters as such, and sometimes I felt that they were simply vehicles for you to communicate your concept, a bit 2 dimensional. But having said that, I think your concept was great and you convinced me completely that you achieved everything you had aimed to and that your work was purposeful and justified.
 

hotcocoababe

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gemita said:
Bloodletting: I loved this one at the beginning. I thought you created a really successful, quirky style which really conveyed the childhood mindset of your protagonist (I know how hard this is, I tried to do it in my MW too, gaaah!) I was completely absorbed into the style and atmosphere immediately, and your characterisation was colourful enough to be captivating, but realistic enough not to insult your audience's intelligence. Some of the scenes - especially the poker beating - were fantastic. The violence actually had a physical effect on me. You know you're reading good writing when you find yourself tensing up and holding your breath! I noticed a few typos/indescrepancies in this bit but not too many to be irritating. I was kind of disappointed with the second part, where Abigail is older. I'm not sure if I'm reading this correctly, but did you try and set this one in the 1920s or 30s? Or the 50s? Or was it not set in a particular historical period? I just got that feeling. You created a great style here, but I thought the section with the Boy was a little cliched (obviously it was meant to be, since you talk about cliches yourself, but I found it a bit much). It might have worked better of you took a little longer to get into this bit? And I was also disappointed by the ending, I didn't feel that you had prepared the reader for your story to end, so it felt quite abrupt and unfinished. You had an extra 1500 words left, so I think maybe using them would have given the story a bit more closure, or at least not left it feeling like you finished the last bit in a rush.
But overall, I loved it! Congratulations, you've got a beautiful sense of detail and finery in your tone and a whopper of a MW!
Wow! Thanks heaps Gemita!

Yea, I actually wrote the whole ending (from the whole 'boy' thing onwards) the night before... and Im guessing that if it's that obvious to you, then its prob obvious to the markers too! oh well, lets hope they like it anyway :D
I had a huge amount of trouble 'ending' it..... i guess its something that i kept putting off cuz i just didnt want to, ya know.... i didnt want to end Abigail! I was having such fun with all the nasty things i was putting her thru *grins evilly* (LOL) but yea its somethin i knew i'd hafta do eventually... unfortunately, i left it to the night before - im such a dumbass - :(

Anyways, thanks again for the review! V E R Y much appreciated....

:D

(ps, you got the setting spot on! good onya! i would place it sometime between the 1920s-1950s but i never really had an exact time in mind ;))
 

jimmypage1

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Seaspray

Well, i probly read that much too fast to gain a deeper understanding of Oscar, Jacob, Lina, rudolph and their wonderful gypsy world. But my first impressions of your MW were mixed. On the one hand you tackled a very difficult style of writing, which at times i thought you succeded in doing (this statement implies that at other times you were weak e.g beginning of Two), chapters six and the scene were you describe the corn in i think three, were for me very enjoyable, the whole image of Oscar and jacob fooling around in the river was a strong one and you described it well, the links to Great Expectations were good. But i think you borrowed from Chocolat a little too much in the early stages. In places you tried a bit too hard too achieve the whole post-modern, self-reflection (yes i'm talking about the 'curiouser' bit).

Apart from that Gemita i don't have much else to say except that it seemed like a very personal...recount almost. Does Oscar=Gemita?

Is that the case for other MW's?

I know that to an extent MW's are a reflection of us as people, but how much of a MW is externally (from the self-identity) written and how much comes from inside?

Is anything that we're writing new or just stuff that we know already about ourselves and wish to brag about to others.(Maybe in your case Gemita, Oscars wide reading and vivid imagination)

Either way we are all selfish and boring.... :)

p.s Gemita i liked that comment about not sleeping well, due to 'too many dreams'
but i liked the corn better mmmmm......corn
 

gemita

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jimmypage1 said:
Does Oscar=Gemita?

Is that the case for other MW's?

I know that to an extent MW's are a reflection of us as people, but how much of a MW is externally (from the self-identity) written and how much comes from inside?

Is anything that we're writing new or just stuff that we know already about ourselves and wish to brag about to others.(Maybe in your case Gemita, Oscars wide reading and vivid imagination)

Either way we are all selfish and boring.... :)

p.s Gemita i liked that comment about not sleeping well, due to 'too many dreams'
but i liked the corn better mmmmm......corn
thanx for the feedback jimmypage...well yes I have to admit that the original inspiration for my MW was "borrowed" from my own memories. My parents are musicians and when I was little we used to tour a lot. I had a pretty unusual upbringing, I remember things like being billeted with a woman who spent the entire weekend telling us stories about her regular encounters with aliens, how they were drawing love hearts in the sky etc. All very weird! Nothing in my MW actually ever happened to me, except the gypsies stealing money by spitting on it part. Oscar doesn't = me (he's a lot more idealistic, and, well, he's a boy). But I can't deny that he sort of grew out of my memories. Of course then I got sidetracked by the whole postmodern thing and it all flew away from me and happened on it's own. Kind of. I'm not sure how much of my story is based on memories, or how much of it is my imagination, or how much is imagination that I think is a memory. Doesn't that happen to everyone though?

and the corn...i've had a lot of corn. They sell it at just about every music festival...mmm!
 

welshi

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gemita said:
thanx for the feedback jimmypage...well yes I have to admit that the original inspiration for my MW was "borrowed" from my own memories. My parents are musicians and when I was little we used to tour a lot. I had a pretty unusual upbringing, I remember things like being billeted with a woman who spent the entire weekend telling us stories about her regular encounters with aliens, how they were drawing love hearts in the sky etc. All very weird! Nothing in my MW actually ever happened to me, except the gypsies stealing money by spitting on it part. Oscar doesn't = me (he's a lot more idealistic, and, well, he's a boy). But I can't deny that he sort of grew out of my memories. Of course then I got sidetracked by the whole postmodern thing and it all flew away from me and happened on it's own. Kind of. I'm not sure how much of my story is based on memories, or how much of it is my imagination, or how much is imagination that I think is a memory. Doesn't that happen to everyone though?

and the corn...i've had a lot of corn. They sell it at just about every music festival...mmm!
how cool does that make her sound... don't worry she doesn't walk around school barefoot with roses in her hair spitting on everyone's lunch money. well she hasn't yet :)


jimmypage1 said:
I know that to an extent MW's are a reflection of us as people, but how much of a MW is externally (from the self-identity) written and how much comes from inside?
not just MWs, but all writing is a reflection of its author i think... it was funny that crazyhomo seemed to think i should look more internally for inspiration, cos my MW was in some parts the most personal thing i've ever written. i wrote for the first time yesterday since i handed in my MW, and i found myself creating a male voice, which is fairly rare for me. nonetheless it was still really personal - most of what i write seems to come out of my imagination asking "what if?" and "i wish". it's my parallel universe.
 

hfis

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Hey all,

Not sure if anyone is still reading the MW's people are posting or not, but I though that I might as well submit mine. The filesize is a tad over the limit set by these boards, and I cant be bothered converting it to single space, so I'll just give a link to the web-based version instead:

Inquisition - Orwellian science/fantasy. An imaginative reflection on the thought process of an individual struggling against a harsh society he once defended, and the concept of change.

All feedback is welcome. Thanks for reading, if you bother to do so.

Oh, and just a quick note - scattered throughout the .htm version that I linked to above are dividers in the form of '<---------------->' or sometihng similar. This was not the format of the original work -- in my submitted version, these 'sections' marked the jump to a new chapter.
 

Monkey Butler

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hfis, I just read your work, and it's good, but I think it could have done with a little more sophistication. You seemed to focus more on the science and history of the world you created rather than on its actuality, which I think limited it a bit. For example, when describing the Halls of Pain, it might have ben more effective to focus on the acts of torture themselves, the tangible oppression of the people, rather than on the needles and stainless steel. Just my opinion, but I think that could have been more effective.
I also think that the ending was a little incongruent. For a dystopic text, you really should go one way or the other, I think - either the dystopia is destroyed, or it's cemented. Take Brave New World for example - at the end, despite the outcomes of the characters, we are left with no doubt that the Brave New World has been perpetuated, and that it will inevitbaly survive forever, which is what makes it so scary. The "it had stopped raining" seemed a bit Matrix like (which isn't a good thing) in that there's still hope, which kinda negates the whole point of a dystopic text - there's meant to be no hope at all. And on that, I think the society you created was a bit... well, fantasy-ish. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with that, but in real life, the society you created would never have worked, which again limits the credibility a little.
One final criticism I have is that it was kinda cliched, and the story was telegraphed a bit - it was pretty much obvious from the moment Day looked at the Koran that he was the Figure, and the plot didin't really deviate much from the dystopic mold - totalitarian regime, violent oppressors implement that regime, one of them starts to have doubts.

Sorry if this sounds like I'm just heaping shit on you, but that's what criticism's for, right? You've got a solid control of language, but your story just didn't do it for me.
 

Enlightened_One

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Hfis, liked your major work. It was pretty engrossing. Interestingly it has the potential, upon first glance, to be expanded to the proportions of Dune. And since the story is based upon the events of today it seems plausible, since one opnion of terrorists is that their ultimate goal is to create a surperior Islamic nation, usurping the power of their own governments.
 

Trixie Bird

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Fresh Meat

Hey kids, I've been reading a couple of the major works (you know, instead of actually studying for the HSC).

BLOOD LETTING: Was really interesting, some parts of it were so horribly cliched (get the worst over and done with) but it was so intriguing and the subtler parts were so poignant. The horse incident was stunning - I absolutely loved that part. It reminds me so much of another novel - have you read Daughter of Venice? There was something really reminiscent about your work, congrats.

Anyone who feels like giving it a go - have fun.......
 

Monkey Butler

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OK, Trigger, sorry for taking so long, but I've finally just watched your doco. I'm not much of a non-fiction person when it comes to film, so bear that in mind when you're reading my comments. :)

First of all, the narration sounded a little self-important. Maybe it's just me, but that bugged me through the whole thing (sorry if that's you narrating :p). Secondly, there didn't seem to be much of a "story" to the film. It kinda seemed a bit - I went here, here's a bit of info about the place, now I'm going here - there was a bit of a flow, but I think you could have maybe planned it a bit better before you went over and filmed. The planning aspect also came out in the editing - it seemed a bit like you were just cramming every second of footage you got into the doco, and so some of it was way too jumpy. I'm not really sure what your shoot was like so I can't really comment, but maybe you could've planned your specific shots beforehand so you got exactly what you wanted.
And I don't think you got into enough detail with the places you visited. I think you might have benefitted from tightening up your idea a bit - as it stands, I don't think you were able to spend enough time with any of the places you visited, and so it seemed a bit like a text book - if you closed your eyes, the narration could've led you through the whole doco, which is good in a way, but it kinda negates the whole point of making a film. Talking to some of the locals, or just interacting with them in front of the camera would've helped a great deal, I think, to humanise the film. And the ending was a little half-hearted.

I think the main thing you needed to remember was that a film like this needs to be like you've just come home from a holiday and you're showing your relatives what you did, what you learned, who you met. It should have a drive to it, and a personality. You should have made a story out of it, it's far more engaging that way.

Sorry, this is all pretty negative, but hopefully it's constructive and it'll inspire you or whatever :)
 

MissSavage29

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Finally remembered to grab my major work to post it -

here it is - The Language of Sex: The female manipluation of sexuality in the Shakespearian Tragedies

cheers Mel
 
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pitted

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ok this is for 1time4theppl
I really enjoyed except for the fact that it is only a second draft…. I couldn’t find a better one posted….perhaps I wasn’t looking hard enough….oh well im sure you improved it quite a bit from when I read it – as it is a second draft I am reluctant to critique it but one thing I did find that I thought was wrong with it was that it was a bit shallow…I mean u had some great stories that you could have easily expanded on to create greater depth and meaning within your story yet it seems as if it just fell apart. The themes you had were only dealt with superficially and it was quite disappointing….however, I am sure that its fixed up so I can only ask if u have posted your mw up and if u have can you direct me to where it is?
Thanks a bunch
ciao
once again not sure if i do have the final draft or not - sorry
 

pitted

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Hey bitchymybitch.
Well I have just read version 1 (?) of your story…I don’t know if you have posted up your final draft but from what I have read I must admit I was extremely impressed. Your story is very involving and it drew me in very easily…it took a while before I realised that isha was in a pysch home but I got it eventually. One thing that really shocked me was the violence within the story. I mean, I was just getting over her cutting herself when she was suddenly raped. That was an extreme shock. Also the violence was particularly nasty, gruesome and graphic without actually being graphic.
In any respect I thoroughly enjoyed it and I hope you can give me your RS coz I would really like to know why you wrote this, how you wrote it and other stuff like that. I mean, is this any relation to the truth? (then again, what is truth?) just how did you get into the mindset of isha, the feelings, the emotions – everything.
Personally first version top notch…should look for your final before I post this…ah too lazy…so just tell me if your final is up, i want/need to read it.
ciao
 

pitted

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Hey cheezsandwhich.
Well I have just read yours – who would have thought, 2 mw’s in one day, wow! – anyway, overall it wasn’t a bad story – did I read correctly that it was partially true? If so then well you told the story well, a hell of a lot of meaning and insight and very thought provoking as well the only thing that truly detracted from it was the very rare spelling and grammatical error. Other than that nothing else about it was too bad. I don’t think it involved me but then again I don’t think it was meant to. One other problem that I had was that throughout the story there was a superficiality that really doesn’t rub well (although that said it is barely noticeable) it does seem like the only audience you had in mind was yourself and you were trying to deal with the events and feelings that occurred during that summer….too bad there was no RS at the end it would have been nice to know your thoughts on this matter.
Well that’s it from a crummy critiquer
ciao
 

goldendawn

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Trixie Bird, I had a read of you major work, and am happy to report that I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was conceptually and technically refined; and it has enlightened many aspects of my understanding of Virginia Wolf, a writer who has interested me for some time. Technically, you have achieved both clarity and flair. You control of both basic and complex sentences is impressive, your creative use of vocabulary refreshing, and your style ultimately tempered by a genuine love of both the artistry of expression and the depth of meaning. One criticism that may be advanced, however, is that your integration of quotes sometimes seems a little lacking. This is just my opinion, and is perhaps unfounded. Nonetheless, I would like to express my deep appreciation of your work. I can sense that you enjoyed researching modernism, researching Wolf, and putting it all together.

P.S: I think some modernist precepts are best not forgotten, considering the angsty direction postmodernism is taking many writers!
 

davey336

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Hey hey,

Long time listener, first time caller.

For anyone that is interested, here is my Major Work.

It's a critical response looking at Christian values in "The Simpsons." Overall, I was happy with the outcome of my work, although I felt it was a bit weak in some spots (eg, conclusion).

The RS is also included.

davey336
 

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