Can you guys give me your opinions on my creative writing? :) (1 Viewer)

Ozzyy

Member
Joined
Oct 18, 2013
Messages
53
Gender
Male
HSC
2013
I memorized it word for word and wrote it for the 2nd stimulus of the picture. Can anyone give me their opinions? :3

PS. The --- are when i changed perspectives

Thanks !

=====================================

Countless thoughts flooded her mind as she sat down firmly onto the cold, hard surface of the chair, staring aimlessly down the long hallway where darkness had swallowed any signs of what was at the other side. The loud racquet of all the lost and clueless people and their endless cries of agonising pain echoed violently through the building. As she sat there, all she could think of was what’s going to happen next? Where will she end up? Suddenly, a loud piercing voice spontaneously penetrated through all the noise. It immediately sent down tingles through her spine as a cold surge rushed through her body. “Amber, I’m ready to see you now. Please make you way down to room thirteen”. She panicked at the thought that it was also thirteen years ago where she nearly got arrested for another incident where a local resident was found missing. She slowly got up, legs shaking beyond control. Carefully, she began making her way down the hallway as the dusty wooden floor creaked with each step she took. Room thirteen was just to her left. The door was left with a slight opening. She stood there, still, for a whole minute before the same distressful voice said “come in, Miss Amber”. She slowly pushed the door open with her foot, her eyes facing directly towards a well-dressed man in a black suit who sat at a desk in the centre of the room. His long, gelled hair combed to the back. “Have a seat” he said.
She sat down without hesitation, her hands on her lap with her hopes up high of relieving the situation by following his instructions. “So, miss Amber. It says here you have had a history of abuse, which I’m guessing, is the reason you are currently afraid to make physical contact with people. Am I correct?” She looked down at her legs and looked back up at the man quietly replying “Yes”. After quickly taking a note in his notepad, he responded “Alright then, please tell me about yesterday’s incident”. She mumbled “yes” as she cleared her throat and slowly looked down at her feet.
---
I work as a photographer. It’s the best way I can connect with people without making physical contact with them. People come to me to get their photographs taken. I do that for them, you know, it’s my job. Each night when I go home, I’d take a copy of each photograph and stick it on my wall beside the mirror. I live alone because I’m scared to live with anyone. Without these photos, I’m not going to feel a sense of connection. I would literally go crazy. Do you really want me to end up going insane?
So anyway, through these photos, I have a way to communicate with people so I don’t end up feeling alone all the time. I feel like I can sense their presence in my home, and communicate with them whenever I want without getting harmed. Some people have always come to me to get their photos taken more than anyone else so I have a stronger connection to their presence. Because of these photos, I’m closer to them you know. They make me feel like I’m actually welcome for once.
So there’s this one person, Steve, who’s always came to me for his photos to be taken. I mean, I have one whole wall just filled up with pictures of him. It has allowed me to make a really strong connection to him as we were always alone together. Eventually, we got into a relationship. I always felt his presence around me, where ever I was. If I was hot, he’d blow a cold breeze for me and when I was cold he’d make the weather warmer. When I went out, he’d look after the house for me so I didn’t need to lock the door. He was just always there for me.
So yesterday, Steve comes to get his photo taken, but this time it was different. He had a visitor with him, another girl. I thought maybe it was just his sister or something so I wasn’t too worried. When it was time for the photo, they held hands and he kissed her on the lips. I took the photo, which made me realise, it wasn’t his sister… It was his girlfriend. He was cheating on me. After everything we had, all that we’ve been through and he still had the guts to do what he did.
I was just so angry. I just flipped out on him. I wouldn’t get near him because I was afraid to make contact so I viciously and violently vandalised the room by throwing things at him. Whatever I found near me, dangerous or not, I threw. I couldn’t control myself, it was beyond me. I felt that I wasn’t me anymore, that I couldn’t be controlled. To make things worse, he asked “stop, what did I do to you?” mocking me after cheating on me.
That’s all I can remember, the next thing I know is I woke up here without knowing how I got here or where I am.
---
The man sighed as he paused taking notes and in an ironic tone alleged “So let me get this straight, you took photos of people and kept them beyond their will, you made them into imaginary friends, had a relationship with that imaginary ‘friend’ and attacked that innocent man for cheating on you?” She furiously got up slamming her hands violently onto the desk, looked straight into the man’s eyes and replied “How dare you call my friends Imaginary, they were real! The relationship was real and he cheated on me. That cheating dog was NOT innocent”
The man kept calm, gathering and aligning his papers together and said “Becoming Insane? I believe you already are insane. That’s all I needed to hear, thank you for your time” and pointed his finger towards the door.
 

Absolutezero

real human bean
Joined
Nov 17, 2007
Messages
15,082
Gender
Male
HSC
N/A
If you wanted to fix it: the middle bit could make for an interesting story, if you fixed up the language. Cut the psychologist parts; they don't add anything.

As it is, it's an average story. The ties to the topic are made too obvious, and the psychologist doesn't let the story naturally develop.
 
Last edited:

SuchSmallHands

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 13, 2012
Messages
1,391
Gender
Female
HSC
2014
The middle section has the foundation for a really unusual and interesting idea. Execution wasn't perfect, and the start and end seemed a little less necessary, but other than that it was decent.
 

Ozzyy

Member
Joined
Oct 18, 2013
Messages
53
Gender
Male
HSC
2013
Ahh, It's a little too late anyways I've always failed at creative writings haha did this 2 days before the exam :L

Thanks guiiz though :)
 

rumbleroar

Survivor of the HSC
Joined
Nov 30, 2011
Messages
2,271
Gender
Female
HSC
2014
There's a lot of telling...not enough showing? And you mentioned the word connection too much...
Also I think there's a bit of OOC going on in there, I doubt a psychologist would actually say that. It's not very realistic in that sense and you need to evoke that sense of reality so audiences can connect with your protagonist and story.
 

Ozzyy

Member
Joined
Oct 18, 2013
Messages
53
Gender
Male
HSC
2013
There's a lot of telling...not enough showing? And you mentioned the word connection too much...
Also I think there's a bit of OOC going on in there, I doubt a psychologist would actually say that. It's not very realistic in that sense and you need to evoke that sense of reality so audiences can connect with your protagonist and story.
Thanks :) I seeeee, haha. Oh weeeell, I tried xD
 

Users Who Are Viewing This Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 1)

Top