From Biki

Contents 1 An Introduction 2 Education and Childhood 3 The Evolution 4 Raiks and Love 5 The Days and Nights

An Introduction

Raiks is the 20-something year old engima who attends, drinks and eats at the University of Wollongong. An Economics/Environmental Science student, he struggles to juggle his conflicting interests; the study of sustainable development and his study of fermented grains. He is boy that longs for things that are not; A jazz man without a hat, a progressive in an increasingly conservative world, he is trying to change the world - one rejected letter to the editor at a time. His life revolves around the same repeating themes of chupa chups, vodka, thoughts of girls in sorbet-hued skirts as well as healthy doses of procrastination. He possesses a habit of completing all his assignments in 24 hour non-stop stints fuelled through the sugar of his favourite candy Redskins (he also really likes Killer Pythons). His favourite colour is blue, and he enjoys talking about himself in the third person. Has a hot sister.

Education and Childhood

Raiks was discovered rocking in the corner of a darkened abandoned warehouse with only a coca-cola championship yo-yo, an accordian and a bottle of Johnny Walker to keep him company. It is reported when approached by authorities he told them 'go away, can't you see I'm drinking'. Raiks made local papers which found news in the story of a lonely 6 year old drunk mumbling about how when bees fight back and sting, they die, therefore resulting in every living bee being a non-confrontational dandy.

Thanks to the educational miracle makers which was the NSW Board of Education, Raiks developed many skills in the class room, many of those not academic but rather socially and directed these skills towards his female co-students and university student prac teachers. In year 9, Raiks was granted a leave of absence from his school to join with The Wellingtons, the band who sang the Gilligans Island theme song. Through the education of this cautionary tale of sea travel, Raiks graduated highschool and set his sailing ambitions towards the Australian Maritime College. Spending his time at the AMC Unibar with his long time associate acmilan, he found peace in the surroundings of this small yet unprecedently glamour filled bar. As he progressed through the maritime ranks, he discovered he was a land lubber and set his sights on obtaining an education which would allow him to explain to hippies exactly why he would be cutting down these trees.

Raiks was once described as intellectually lazy by someone who didn't share his view of turning up to uni as least often as possible, and 'only doing enough to pass when you should be grasping the chance to learn and involve yourself in the opportunity that is provided'. Raiks couldn't argue so he confirmed it, that he was intellectually lazy. So this laziness can also be added to that list of physically lazy and emotionally lazy. In the near future Raiks will tackle metaphysical laziness.

The Evolution

In mid 1999 at 6:56am, Raiks discovered the art of charisma. The women lined the streets one sunny day in Brunswick St as the rumours spread about the possibility he would walk down in his dapper suit, dark shades and shiny shoes. Unfortunately, Raiks was in Sydney and not Fitzroy that day. Combining this fashion sense with a love of bands his Mum never heard of, Raiks devloped and finally mastered the art of chivalry and conversation. Over the following years, Raiks experienced the true multicultural landscape of this fair nation, finding that within any culture there are beautiful girls amongst the fair majority of average faces. If his genorosity at a bar was a tranquiliser, it would be strong enough to knock out a clydesdale, and his drinking ability has been refined to almost mythic proportions. Many have wondered who the man was behind that tie and shirt, but as with all enigmas, the only way one could visualise Raiks is through the mental image of those Abercrombie & Fitch catalog photos, where a clean cut shirtless guy is throwing a ball on the beach with his mate, comfortable in his heterosexuality.

Raiks and Love

While Tennyson wrote, "In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.", Raiks objects to this due to his love of Valentines Day celebrations and the fact that flowers in Autumn are enough to make the sounds of panties falling. But in saying that Raiks has learned the many lessons of love:

• Avoid any girl who tells you she hates her ex-boyfriend. She hates herself.
• Avoid any girl who doesn't drink. Do I need to say anything else here?
• Avoid any girl who won't drunkenly make out with you in a taxi. She lacks a properly functioning sexual instinct.
• Avoid any girl who won't wear a skirt. You'll end up in the stairwell of a Christmas party making out with a girl in skirt.
• Avoid any girl who you think looks even hotter when she is miserable. She will destroy you.
• Avoid any girl who cries when she's drunk. Her self-pity will destroy you.
• Avoid any girl you've dated before. If the first time is tragedy, the second time will just be worse.
• Avoid any girl who you never found attractive before but suddenly looks hot. You're drunk.
• Avoid any girl in a poncho. She's a slave to fashion and will try to make you use expensive hair-products.
• Avoid any girl you meet at an office party. She is your coworker's wife and wants to hurt him.
• Avoid any girl who knows the names of all the bartenders in more than four bars. She's out of your league.
• Avoid any girl who is your favorite bartender. Where are you going to drink when you want to forget her?
• Avoid any girl who tells you that you are emotionally unavailable. She knows you all too well.
• Avoid any girl who tells you she thinks she feels a spark between the two of you. Her mind is trapped in a Sweet Valley High novel.
• Avoid any girl who wears jewelery given to her by her ex-boyfriend on your first date. She is still in love with him, and only him.
• Avoid any girl on anti-psychotics. She'll go off her meds one day, handcuff you and rip skin from your back requiring stitches.

But even after learning this, he still finds himself chasing girls with the lures of free drinks and cuddles and conversation after the rampant sex.

The Days and Nights

From the drunken rambling days of his primary school youth, Raiks has developed a passion for the luxuries of life, from Grey Goose or Absolut vodka to the blended malt Green label of a bottle of Johnny Walker. Having passed up the brass ring of triumph, Raiks has always settled for second but never for third or fourth best in life, meaning he won't always target the smart gorgeous girl at the bar, but rather just settle for the gorgeous one next to her, since a girl being smart only complicates the situation. Raiks other passions include a secret love for nameless kung fu movies and bad cop shows. Raiks also has a fascination with kissing girls in sorbet-hued skirts in stairwells, handball rallies and "jokingly" advocating violent and bloody revolution.

Raiks also likes croutons with his soup.